Exhaustion coats my insides as a morning that started at 3:30am finally comes to rest, my bones creaking even as I write. The tears that have made me infamous come to my eyes and I mentally beg the Berlin transit system to get me home soon, where I can cry my years of frustration in peace.
Thoughts of my family, my job, my future, my life, fill me with an inescapable sense of helplessness, uselessness, and the reality that I am entirely without power hangs heavy with dread. I have no solutions, no avenues left to explore except to try again and again, making myself insane by definition, and yet I cannot help it because I have no other choice.
I pray that sleep will help, that fear will recede and solutions will appear to make this better before the next collision occurs & I am useless again.
And for the millionth time I ask myself: is it worth it? But it has to be, for this is me, forming myself, building an emotional future I can count in, and I must continue forward. There is no other direction to move in.
I am powerless.
One of those crap days huh? Sorry to hear you're having trouble. Sometimes a good cry is just what one needs though. Hope things work out for the best, and remember that you are one of the most powerful people I know. Assertion and the ability to grow into new situations (such as moving all around Europe!) are the building blocks of a strong, independent, person. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, sweetie! Your comments push me forward, and keep me hanging on in tough times. I still have to respond to your message, too! :/
DeleteBut thanks so much, and I know you're right - these difficulties are all a part of the sculpting process, carving out an excellent person from the craggy rock we all originate from. I'm so verbose today! :P