Exhaustion coats my insides as a morning that started at 3:30am finally comes to rest, my bones creaking even as I write. The tears that have made me infamous come to my eyes and I mentally beg the Berlin transit system to get me home soon, where I can cry my years of frustration in peace.
Thoughts of my family, my job, my future, my life, fill me with an inescapable sense of helplessness, uselessness, and the reality that I am entirely without power hangs heavy with dread. I have no solutions, no avenues left to explore except to try again and again, making myself insane by definition, and yet I cannot help it because I have no other choice.
I pray that sleep will help, that fear will recede and solutions will appear to make this better before the next collision occurs & I am useless again.
And for the millionth time I ask myself: is it worth it? But it has to be, for this is me, forming myself, building an emotional future I can count in, and I must continue forward. There is no other direction to move in.
I am powerless.
